Wordswoman

I call it a shadow, because that's what it casts over our lives--my father's, and the lives of people who love him. But when viewed on his MRI the mystery mass is white, not black. It looks almost like a cloud. You can see an example here:

http://www.38lemon.com/tumor_photo/diagnosis_mri

The MRI image in that link is not my father's; it's that of a courageous cancer warrior named David Welch, whose tumor is in the frontal lobe (Dad's is in the occipital lobe). But it gives you an accurate picture of how abnormal tissue in the brain appears on an MRI. It's bright white, and on Dad's MRI yesterday it looked..well, fluffy. Strange though it is to use such a light, frivolous word in such a context.

Is it malignant regrowth of the tumor? Unfortunately, there's only one sure way to answer that question: Go in and get some. No one can say just by looking. It could be tumor, it could be scarring/damage from the treatment. Realistically, the former is probably likelier than the latter, but the doctor didn't say so outright. The probability just hung there in the room, unspoken.

All we really know for certain is that the shadow, or cloud, is substantially larger than just two months ago. So surgery, a biopsy, and "debulking" (i.e. removing as much as possible) is recommended. That'll probably happen next week.

I'm feeling very calm at the moment. It's probably an artificial calm, or a weary one. Or a waiting calm, since there's nothing to be done just yet. I'm grateful for it. It's as close to serenity as I've felt in a good long while, and I don't expect it'll last. But while it does, it's soothing as a clear blue sky.

The kind without clouds.